my heart is still beating

each pound to my chest like a knock on a door only you could open

our song plays in my headphones

it vibrates in my ears like a bee finding its way back to its hive

I hear my slowing breath

synced with the verse that always made you smile

and yet, being with you

felt like a gun

was dropped in my hands

at any moment,

my finger could slip

i knew i was going to hurt you

yet i let you stay;

you provided the bullets

as i loaded the gun

i remember every bit of you

the placement of your dimples when you smile

the echo of your voice resonating in my body, resigning my heart

your cheekbone piercing my shoulder as you fall asleep against me

i remember the nights you came over because i didn’t feel safe by myself

the euphoria of realizing you were my person and i was yours

i hold on to the memory of you as if letting go will kill me faster than the pills

like a wilting rose

i hung my head low

and yet you loved my browning petals

you watered me,

though it meant losing your own petals

my heart doesn’t beat anymore

my brain has gone silent

death comes to take hold of my heavy soul

and still, you're within me

with your petals i’ll keep in my pocket

as i go six feet under